7 Years

Writing this feels surreal. I cannot believe it has been 7 years since that life-altering night. The 7-year mark has been a milestone for me since day one, almost!

It's not the first time I've mentioned how art helps me in tender (or catastrophic) situations; therefore it is not surprising when I was delving into quotes, poems, and songs after my assault. I came across this quote that gave me a sense of hope - something I hadn't felt in a long time. There are a few variations of it, but it says:

This quote is not true, but I believed it and it became a benchmark in my life.

There is a sense of rebirth today. A phoenix rising from its ashes. A lotus blooming from the mud.

I let this blog lapse over the past few years for many reasons. A lot was due to not being comfortable sharing details that would "out" my assaulter. I don't think I care anymore. I know my truth!

I reread the previous blogs from the last 5 years and I think an update is in order.

So, here it goes!

I finished my nursing degree and I have been practicing ever since. I work in a rural hospital and I am also a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner now! It is extremely rewarding knowing I can make a difference for a victor in their most vulnerable time.

I no longer refer to people who have experienced sexualized violence as 'survivors' or 'victims', but instead 'VICTORS', because that is exactly what we are. You will see all of them used throughout the site and blog. I have chosen to keep all variations as it shows a process of growth for me.

I still do not use the word 'rape' often, but I have used it in the context of my assault. I still feel it has a very strong sense of violence associated with it, so I do not always feel I deserve to use it. Somedays, I have the strength to name it what it is. It was rape,

I still have not seen my assaulter since I left the company. I do receive updates on his whereabouts as needed so I can keep myself safe. I still have no idea what he thinks happened, although when your best friend ghosts you and you choose to never reach out to find out why...I assume it's because you know why. One of the hardest things I still struggle with that brings me a lot of pain is the one thing I talk about the least because I don't think a lot of people understand...how much I miss him some days.

In "The Narrative: I was in love with him", I stated that I never loved John. That wasn't true. At the time of my assault, I was not in love with him, but I was a few years prior. John was a big part of my life and I thought he always would be. Some days, I miss the friendship I had with him, and that makes me angry.

This is where it gets weird, and I can only think this is a result of low self-esteem and self-worth. Days that I get caught up in missing him, I sometimes find myself wondering if any of it was real for him. Did he ever really love me like he claimed? If he did, wouldn't he want to know why I disappeared? Doesn't he care that he hurt me? How has he not reached out after 7 years? I feel hurt. HOW. FUCKED. IS. THAT?

The emotional/intimacy block I mentioned in "1825 days" is still present. There are times I feel I am close to breaking through it, but I can't quite get there. I will likely seek out specialized therapy this year to try and work through it, although, I am very uneasy about what may come to light when I can break through it. It's been 7 years and still feels very raw in a lot of ways. I mentioned that in my 4- and 5-year update. I don't know if that rawness will ever fully go away.

I still lose my breath and freeze when I see his make and model car on the highway, it truly bothers me that he still has this level of power over me.

I still feel as though I am searching for parts of myself. Parts of me died that night, parts of me were changed forever, and parts of me were and are lost.

There is always hope. I know I will eventually find all of my pieces, and if there are pieces I can't find, perhaps it's an opportunity to recreate myself or find a new part of myself.

This level of trauma is still a 'one day at a time' process. I have noticed that I do not think about him every day, but I do think about how my body was violated every single day. How can I think of one and not the other? I think that's the more telling part..

In love, light & solidarity,

B.

*Disclaimer: I am NOT a Registered Psychologist, Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist or hold an accredited certification for mental health support. This is simply my journey and my journey alone that I hope will help fellow survivors feel supported*